Tuesday, January 3, 2012

rewind - a year in review.

the new year always feels so fresh, looking back last january who knew 
we were going to have the roller coaster year we had. that night at musso and franks
i was filled with love.

fresh off a morning hike/drive in the hills. sometimes you just have to keep your head 
down and your heart up.

the only pictures i had of march were of food?
guess we just ate that month away.

april, the husbands birthday... 

every year in may like clock work we wake up to ducks in the pool.
its my most favorite morning of the year. 

beautiful beaches of southern californaia. 

san diego back yards that smell like BBQ'd meat and cold beer make for the 
best 4th of julys yet.

was a hard month for me to say the least. my most favorite person left this earth 
strange thing is he still makes me smile every day. funny how that happens if you keep
your eyes and heart open you can see them all around.

and now the rough patch begins.... dealing with loss and a broken heart can do numbers 
on your loved ones still around in your daily life. i think this is what people call 
DEPRESSED. fighting with the husband, slamming doors. yelling words.
 wishing you could take them back.
resting my head on girlfriends shoulders trying to find the answers
that were at home sitting on our sofa.  
too many late night fights, running away, & hurt feelings.
somehow we stopped fighting. i don't remember how it stopped.
its like the clouds cleared and we got to the root. 

currently on a heavy cycle of watering so the roots don't 
take over again.

my october was a month of freedom. walking away from a toxic 
environment. choosing me and my needs first. is a intoxicating feeling.
 still reaping the benefits.
 one of the smarted decision's i've ever made.
what took me so long is the real question......

ego and fear. two thing to work on this year.

nothing like a little emergency surgery to slap reality in yo' face.
seeing my husband laying in the ER has to be one of the worst feeling i've had to date.
feeling hopeless and scared. popping xanex like its candy just to not loose my marbles in that small
sterile room. also realizing that we have the best friends in the world. couldn't have made it 
through that day without the friends and family we have in our life.
so grateful everyday.

cold, clear LA nights, everyday feeling better and better. 
staying home more. cooking up a storm. holding hands again....
having one too many drinks out with friends.
working too hard, playing too hard.
time for a detox. i smell a juice cleanse coming my way
and not in the wine juice form.

 new years this year at musso and franks, a strange man at the bar started chatting up our group of  friends sadly i judged him. he had thick gray hair with piles of dandruff on his thrift store sport coat.
my first impression of this man was creepy. i made my self stop judging and start really listing to what he had to say. i wont bore you with all he had to say only one powerful statement.
my hippy heart was fully listing. he talked about how the last 18 years we have been climbing a mountain and its been a struggle for the most part. this rough 18 year cycle we are on stops tonight  when the clock hits midnight its down hill from here.
life will start to get easy, smooth sailing for the next 18 years. 
i believe that man with the gray dandruff jacket, i believe i was meant to hear that.
the clock hit midnight i leaned over to kiss my husband and things did feel easy. 

this new year is going to be the jam.

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